• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? 
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

• After church on a Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.” “That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a minister?” “ Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday.” “Anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.”

• A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.”

• Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" the blonde asked a man on the streetcorner. "Sure... it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile. "Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face. “You know, it's the weirdest thing -- I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."

• Upon waking up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it up to find a book titled, The Meaning of Dreams.

• Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?" The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!”

• The President of a country, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a National holiday." "Which one?" The President asks nervously. “It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a National holiday.”

• "Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

• Two blondes were standing across from each other on opposite sides of a river. The first blonde asked, "How do you get to the other side?" The second blonde scratched her head, thought for a moment and replied, "Duhhh. You already are on the other side!”

• A man and a wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocaine because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Contributed by Bosky Shroff 

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