Opportunities Today : August 2006 Issue

Making Enemies

 

 Far too many articles have been written on the art of making friends. In fact, it is my considered opinion that the subject has not only passed the point of saturation it has now become a downright bore.

In contrast, the art of making enemies has been disgracefully neglected. I refer of course to social and domestic fields. The political arena we can leave well alone for there it has been practiced to disastrous excess.
 

Before we proceed to the all-important “modus operandi” of making enemies, let us examine the essential reasons for developing such an art. If you are inclined to doubt the wisdom of it all, I can only say that you lack that fine faculty called imagination. Actually, the reasons are so obvious that they should leap into your mind without the slightest prompting. Because of this we can afford to summarise and not bother with detail.

Briefly, therefore, the reasons are as follows : (a) enemies do not stop you in the streets to ask for loans varying from five rupees to five hundred; (b) enemies do not drop in on you at the oddest hours for no reason other than to deplete your stocks of food and drink: (c) enemies would never think of extolling virtues that you do not possess thus saving you from the embarrassment of being called upon to make after-dinner speeches, to act in plays, to contribute to unheard of charitable institutions or to lend your new car when you go out of town; (d) enemies never shatter your faith in human nature but friends who fail you, undoubtedly do.

Among the aphorisms of the great, there are several in support of my view. For instance, Tennyson says, “He makes no friends who never made a foe”. Arsene Housaye conferred a benediction on one's enemies. He said, “Let us not talk ill of our enemies; they only never deceive us. And William Blake put it this way:“ Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache: Do be my enemy -- for friendship's sake.”
 
Having thus clearly demonstrated the usefulness of the art, let us now look into the easiest methods of acquiring it. In all the wisdom that follows, it must be noted that malice has no place. You will not be advised to arouse the type of enmity that might blaze up into bloodshed; nor will you be encouraged to violence or to encroach upon the rights of others. What you will learn, on the contrary, is constructive and beneficial, viz: how to protect yourself from the unwanted attentions of people who insist on thrusting their company upon you.
 
I. The Imaginary Appointment: This method is as old as gold and equally valuable. When Mr. Bore calls to see you, smack your palm smartly on your forehead and utter the saving sentence. It can go something like this: “Good grief : I've got to see Mr. Woppingham at four and it's almost that now. Sorry, old man, but I have to rush.” If you are not fully dressed, run into your bedroom and start slamming cupboards and drawers. If you are fully dressed, take Mr. Bore's elbow in a firm grip, hurry him out of the house and scamper away from him at the first opportunity. Walk purposefully out of sight, circle around a few blocks and return to your house from another direction.
 
II. The Hard Touch: This seldom fails. As soon as Mr. Bore appears, you twist your face into an acute expression of desperation. Then, with an arm around his shoulder and a sob in your voice, you whisper : “Lend me two hundred rupees, my friend --- matter of life and death --- you've got to help me”. Sometimes Mr. Bore will find an excuse to vanish even before your pathetic recital is over. It is also very likely that he will make a grimly determined effort not to cross your path for at least a month thereafter.
 
III. The ‘Cut-In’ Technique: This is more than a little infuriating and, for that reason, it works. All you do is this : you burst into speech right in the middle of Mr. Bore's conversation. Pay attention to proper timing. You must “cut-in” at the right moment and having done so, vigorously hold the floor, defeating all Mr. Bore's attempts to finish whatever he was saying. With a little practice, you will become so proficient, that Mr. Bore will have no desire at all to start another conversation with you for months. The “cut-in” technique often has effect even upon those to whom it is not directed. So, beware!
 
IV. The Superman Gambit: People find it difficult not to refer to their outstanding achievements. Mr. Bore is no exception. So you wait, poised on the sidelines and attack when he exposes his flank. To illustrate: supposing Mr. Bore is telling you (with obvious pride) about the time a headless ghost walked into his room at midnight in a deserted bungalow. Here's what you do. Listen to him without batting an eyelid; then tell him (with even greater pride) about the time in Hubli when you were lifted bodily from your bed by a three-headed ghost who blew flames from his nostrils.
 

Whatever experience Mr. Bore relates, you excel it. Give your imagination full rein. When Mr. Bore finds himself being consistently outclassed, he will leave you alone. All these of course are called ‘specialist techniques’. There are several other methods of a more general nature, which it will pay you to practice if you aspire to become an expert in the art of making enemies. The most effective of these are as follows :

(a) forget the existence of the words `please' and `thank you'; (b) criticize everything you can lay your tongue on, particularly other people's conversations abruptly, hanging up without the slightest warning; (c) Brag about the scores of famous people you know and introduce their names into every conversation as often as possible; (d) at parties, put your feet on the furniture, eat and drink with the starving appetite of a castaway and leave without bothering to say`good-night' to your host.

 
In conclusion, a word of warning: So fascinating is the art of making enemies that you could, very easily, become slavishly obsessed by it. Therein lies the danger. For, as you go from triumph to triumph, you may well be carried away by the momentum of your own success. Not only is this unwise, it is undesirable.
 
Verily, the art of making enemies is one in the pursuit of which even its most enthusiastic devotees should always… stop short of perfection.