My friend, the art of telling lies is absolutely essential if you want to get on in our cold, hard world. Today, the only people who tell the truth are optimistic clergymen, children under six, hermits when they talk at all, and raving lunatics. If you do not master the art here described, you will be a mediocrity all your life and it is assured that you will not amass wealth. Look at politicians. They tell lies all the time and what is the result? They wind up rich. The first rule in telling lies successfully is that you must tell them as convincingly as if you had your hand on the Bible. Your voice must ring with conviction. The “ring” may be hard to achieve and may require a little practice but it is well worth the effort.

Next, you must recognise the occasions that call for a life. If the boss asks you whether you have completed the Rustomji report and you haven't, bear up and don't falter. Say, “Good God, no, boss. I was up half the night working on the Pestonji report and a finer job you haven't seen. The Rustomji report will take another day and it will be perfection itself -rest assured”. This will have the effect of making the boss think that you spend half the night working on the reports. He might give you a raise. If you spend three hours in a bar after work and get home feeling more than slightly high, don't shiver in front of the little lady. In a rousing voice, proclaim, “what do you think, darling? It's Ricky Attenba's birthday today and he took us to the Sea Rock and lined our stomachs with Scotch. Isn't that wonderful?” She will agree knowing that the price of Scotch is no laughing matter.

Or take your wife's mother. You know that the old dragon frightens the wits out of you but you must not complain. You must lie like a Trojan. (I wonder how Trojans got this dubious reputation?) Say all the nice things you can about her mother but also take care to say that you are short of funds or your mother-in law will promptly be invited to spend a week. And, as you know, nothing is more calculated to shatter your peace of mind than to have your mother-in-law issuing orders left, right and centre in your house for a week.

Supposing your boss belongs to one of those peculiar sects that believe that the end of the world will occur in 2050 A.D. Don't laugh till you split a rib. Agree with him wholeheartedly and say that you read in a dentist's office the very same view expounded by one Mr. Trotsky, who has a name that sounds as if the man knows what he's talking about. This will endear you to the boss and no harm will be done because it's highly unlikely that either of you will be around in 2050 A.D.

You must also lie when your wife is up and asks you suddenly “Darling, don't you think I'm losing weight?” Even if you think she's putting on weight at the speed of light, say that she's losing it and is looking as trim as last year's Miss India. This will please her greatly and it is likely that she will serve your favourite dish for dinner. If all else fails you can “fiddle” with the bathroom scales to register a lower poundage. Ingenuity, my friend, helps when it comes to telling lies.

Lastly, practice at every opportunity. Throw yourself wholeheartedly into the business of mastering the art of lying. As you will soon come to realize, it will stand you in good stead at all times.

Email this article