A daily newspaper recently carried the following advertisement in its matrimonial column;
“Wealthy, young, handsome bachelor wishes to meet, with a view to marriage, a girl like the heroine in M-'s novel”.
Twenty-four hours later the novel in question was completely sold out.

A Spaniard, an American and a Scotsman were discussing what they would do if they awoke one morning to discover that they were millionaires.
The Spaniard said he would build a bull ring.
The American said he would go to Paris to have a nice time.
The Scotsman said he would go to sleep again to see if he could make another million.

Said one Kindergarten girl to another: “My father's a chemist”. Replied the other: “MINE is a civil serpent”.

“Darling, “the young man greeted his voluptuous date, as he arrived at her home. “I've made arrangements for us to have a wonderful time tonight. I have three tickets for the cinema”.
“Three?” echoed the girl in surprise. “Why three?”
“Why,” explained the youth slyly, “for your mother, your father, and your little brother”.

The optician patiently tried lens after lens on an elderly woman who wanted some glasses. Nothing seemed to be right for her.
“Now don't become discouraged, “the optician reassured her.
“It's not easy to get just the right glasses, you know”.
“It certainly isn't , “the woman replied, “especially when you're shopping for a friend”.

A MAN was moving along a dimly lit street, when a stranger slipped from the shadows and stopped him.
“What do you want?” asked the man nervously.
“Would you be so kind,” said the stranger plaintively, “as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and out of work? All I have in this world is this gun!”

WHEN he cancels a date, It's because he has to. When she cancels a date, it's because she has two.

POLICE Officer : “Excuse me, Miss, but swimming isn't allowed in lake.”
The girl was indignant. “Why didn't you tell me that before I undressed?” she asked with asperity.
“Because there's no law against undressing,” replied the other calmly.

WHY is a car always referred to as 'she'?
Here's the explanation:-
“Because cars are improved by paint; The foreign ones are always in demand; People prefer the newer models. They are judged mainly by body style, are expensive, undependable, temperamentally unpredictable and hard to get along without”.

AN actor was once asked, “How will your wife take it when you offer her five hundred thousand dollars for your freedom?”
“Probably in one thousand dollar bills,” replied the actor.

THE travelling salesman had returned home unexpectedly, and stared suspiciously at a cigar smoldering in an ashtray.
“Where did that cigar come from?” he thundered, as his wife cowered in their bed. There was silence for a minute. Then from the closet, a nervous masculine voice answered “Cuba!”

The wives of two prominent business tycoons were having a chat in the hotel lobby.
“Does your husband confide his business troubles to you?” asked one.
“OH, yes,” replied the other. “Every time I come home with a new dress”.

The heavily jeweled woman was consulting a specialist.
“What will the operation of lifting my face cost. Doctor?”
she asked.
“Five thousand dollars, madam.”
“This is robbery,” she protested. “Isn't there something less expensive?”
“You might try wearing a veil,” he suggested helpfully.

The young man was watching a 3-D movie in the town's cinema hall.
“Excuse me,” he told the man in a grey suit sitting in front of him, “would you mind removing your hat? It obstructs my view.”
“Don't be silly,” snapped the other “I am in the picture”.

MACIVER, working in London, hired a firm of movers to get his things shifted to Edinburgh.
“Pick up that large trunk, “said one of the movers to the other.
“Mrs. Maciver doesn't want it there.”
“How do you know?” asked the second. “And where is she?”
“She's under the trunk,” replied the first.
“YOUR dog is very friendly,” observed the guest at the dinner table. She keeps looking at me and wagging his tail.”
“Oh, I think that's because you've get his dish,” said the host.

“I'VE just heard about your husband being in the hospital,” said the neighbor sympathetically. “What's the matter?” “Knee trouble,” replied the woman.
“How come?” The other wanted to know.
“I found a blonde on it,” said the woman calmly.

“EMILY,” asked the husband, his pen poised over the letter-pad, “what was the name of the hotel we stopped at in New Orleans?” “Wait a second, darling,” answered the wife, “I'll have to look through my towels.”

THERE was a sound of footsteps, followed by a loud knock at the door. “Oh, God” exclaimed the woman to the lover who was with her in the bedroom, “my husband has come back.”
“What shall I do?” asked the nervous lover.
“Jump out of the window!” said the woman.
“But we are on the thirteenth floor, “ the man pointed out.
“Is this the time for being superstitious?” thundered the woman.

MIXED feelings is what a fellow experiences when he sees his mother-in-law driving his latest Cadillac, going over the edge of the cliff.

Email this article