Glasses can change one's personality, especially if emptied too frequently.

 A man rushed, breathless, into a police station, and with a theatrical gesture, threw a revolver on the counter in front of the duty sergeant.
“There! I've just fixed five times at my wife!” he exclaimed.
“Have you killed her?” asked the policeman.
“No, I missed her with all the shots.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
“She's after me!”

The world is divided into three groups - the small one, which makes things happen; the larger one which watches things happen; and the multitude, which never knows what happens.

“So long, old boy”, said one explorer to another. I'm just off to Africa.
“Drop us a lion now and then,” said the other.

“Hopkins, the cook, tells me that you were badly intoxicated last night and that you were trying to roll a barrel out of the basement. Can this be true?”
“Ye, my lord”.
“And where was I during this time?”
“In the barrel my lord”.

“They tell me that your spinster aunt died quite happily.”
“Yes, someone told her that marriages are made in Heaven”.

Many motorists whose eyes flit from limb to limp has hit a tree.

She: “Who is that man with the funny face?”
He: “My brother”.
She: “Silly of me not to notice the resemblance”.

Indignant woman to glamorous and curvaceous librarian:”Funny you haven't got the book I want. My husband said you had everything”.

She is the kind of girl who just can't keep out of arm's way.

The whole wonder and delight of childhood can be captured by a statement a little girl made.
“Have you ever been in love?” the little girl was asked.
“No,” she replied, “but I've been in like”.

The absent-minded professor paused to chat a while with one of his students, then asked, “Which way was I going when I stopped to talk to you?”
“That way,” the student pointed
“Good”, murmured the professor, “then I've had my lunch”.

Today's children, one particular father felt, are over indulged. So when his son asked to be driven to school one sunny morning, Dad objected. “Son,” he said, “that school is only a block away. You don't really want me to drive you there, do you? After all, why do you think you have two feet?
“One foot,” replied the son calmly, “is to put on the brake, and the other foot is to put on the accelerator”.

Some tasks have to be put off dozens of times before they'll slip your mind completely.

Some people who slap you on the back are trying to help you swallow what they just told you.

At a family gathering, Bill found himself sitting on the sofa beside a schoolboy nephew he had not seen for some time. “How old are you now?” he asked.
The lad's eyes peered out through a wigwam of hair. “How do you mean, exactly? When I'm on a bus, when I go to the movies, or in real life?”

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.

They claim that people who talk gently and kindly to plants make them grow better. Wonder if anybody has tried shouting at weeds?

An executive was interviewing a lady applicant and remarked, “I see on this form that your birthday is April 17. What year?”
“Every year”, she replied.

A perfectionist is a person who takes infinite pains...... and gives them to others.

Inflation - a time when money talks but doesn't have enough cents to say anything worthwhile.

A magician found out that there was an agent in the audience, so he decided to perform all of his best tricks. He began pulling 200 scarves out of a hat, then he produced 150 playing cards from the air, one at a time. Finally, he threw a blanket over himself and disappeared.
The next morning, he called the agent and asked, “What do you think?”
“I'd only make one change”, said the agent, “That trick where you vanish. You should do that first”.

Psychiatrist: “Does your son present a behavior problem?”
Exasperated mother: “I don't know. I've never seen him behaving”.

There's still one sure way to double your money fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

It's extremely important that parents with small children save something for a rainy day: their patience.

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